SL Relationships real? fake?

For the Discussion of the Gorean Lifestyle.

What sort of SL relationship do you have (main relationship)

How I feel in SL is how in RL - please explain
18
21%
How I feel in SL is how in RL - please explain
18
21%
IC only - I keep RL and SL seperate - please explain
10
12%
IC only - I keep RL and SL seperate - please explain
10
12%
Other - please explain
15
17%
Other - please explain
15
17%
 
Total votes: 86
Carter
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Re: SL Relationships real? fake?

Postby Carter » Tue Mar 08, 2011 6:19 pm

Hawt Sommer wrote:
I think you all know that most everything you hear from anyone online is a fabrication or another.

Example: I am a real cheerleader for the Rams, But for some reason I spend 14 hours of my day on-line and my dog ate my webcam.

.


Not wishing to be shallow, but I have to share this and be shallow.

Somebody I know was very involved with somebody they RP'd with.. They spoke in RL and had shared pictures of each other and eventually he invited her to fly to meet him and spend the weekend. The pics he had been sent were of a caucasian woman of approx 30 years old.. what came off the plane was a 300lbs black woman in her late 50's .. ..leave you to fill in what happened next :D
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Adam Zadeh
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Re: SL Relationships real? fake?

Postby Adam Zadeh » Tue Mar 08, 2011 6:25 pm

Carter wrote:
Hawt Sommer wrote:
I think you all know that most everything you hear from anyone online is a fabrication or another.

Example: I am a real cheerleader for the Rams, But for some reason I spend 14 hours of my day on-line and my dog ate my webcam.

.


Not wishing to be shallow, but I have to share this and be shallow.

Somebody I know was very involved with somebody they RP'd with.. They spoke in RL and had shared pictures of each other and eventually he invited her to fly to meet him and spend the weekend. The pics he had been sent were of a caucasian woman of approx 30 years old.. what came off the plane was a 300lbs black woman in her late 50's .. ..leave you to fill in what happened next :D



Well that is just not be honest period. Either with yourself or your partner....what did the woman expect? For all to be forgiven? If your at this stage in in your RL relationship it's better you be honest with your potential partner....and yes, that might mean saying "Master, I have a penis." :confuzed:
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Elle Couerblanc
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Re: SL Relationships real? fake?

Postby Elle Couerblanc » Tue Mar 08, 2011 6:29 pm

Carter wrote:
Hawt Sommer wrote:
I think you all know that most everything you hear from anyone online is a fabrication or another.

Example: I am a real cheerleader for the Rams, But for some reason I spend 14 hours of my day on-line and my dog ate my webcam.

.


Not wishing to be shallow, but I have to share this and be shallow.

Somebody I know was very involved with somebody they RP'd with.. They spoke in RL and had shared pictures of each other and eventually he invited her to fly to meet him and spend the weekend. The pics he had been sent were of a caucasian woman of approx 30 years old.. what came off the plane was a 300lbs black woman in her late 50's .. ..leave you to fill in what happened next :D


Call me naive but I really believe that this is not the norm. Yes, I was deceived by a man but not in the way he looked physically but basically his marital status (EEK). Funny thing is I still think his lies were an exception not the rule. But would I meet someone without at least seeing them on cam? Absolutely not!

I think a lot of people fudge - instaed of 120 lbs they are 135 lbs, instead of 35 they are 38. I give a man a 3 year and 25 lb margin of error when it comes to online relationships :D
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Alora
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Re: SL Relationships real? fake?

Postby Alora » Tue Mar 08, 2011 7:23 pm

I joined sl 2 years ago, only after my (now ex) husband logged on to "check it out" after seeing a show on TV about how sl was destroying marriages because of the relationships people were forming inworld and then bringing to rl and cheating on or leaving their marriage for the shiny new sl partner. I will not go into the icky details of why he is now my ex, but what you are thinking is most likely right, the relationship(s) he formed in sl ended up turning very real, were brought in rl and impacted the life of his wife and kids pretty dramatically. So yes, I would say sl relationships can be very very real. People can lie and deceive in real life just as easily as they can in sl, in sl you can just hide it a bit longer.

That said, I had one relationship in sl before I ever roleplayed that felt exactly like a rl relationship. We were both married and both knew the exact limits of the relationship, we knew our real life and our families came first and that we would never meet in rl, and it would never leave sl. We did talk a couple times, but for the most part it was within sl and the limits were firm. To some it would be considered emotional cheating, but from my perspective my rl husband was doing the same thing (or so I thought), and so it was a mutual "exploration", and honestly, before I realized the extent of his sl relationship, it seemed to me that sl was actually helping our rl relationship, could be that I was in denial though. That ended at the exact same time my rl marriage was ending, I don't blame him at all, I think it was a bit of a wake up call for him....he was a good man and did not want to go down that slippery slope, I haven't heard from him since then. The feelings were very very real though.

When that was all happening in my rl, I had just met a man inworld who had been through a similar experience, so I confided in him. He was the first one I talked to about the end of my marriage, the first time I told anyone my husband was cheating on me in rl I did it in sl, on Mars lol. I never had an extensive sl relationship with him, but we have become great rl friends and have even met a couple of time in rl (even though he lives on the other side of the world). I have no idea how I would have gotten through everything I have without his support. So that relationship most definitely real, even though it started in sl.

Now...in rp it gets more tricky. When I rp I am playing a character, but not everyone is. When I talk in IM's I am ooc, the friendships and relationships I have ooc are most definitely real, but they do not necessarily mirror the IC relationship. I think rp partners really need to have good communication and make the ooc relationship clear, whether they chose that to be just a friendship, a romantic relationship or a bit of both. I've been lucky and I have an awesome rp partner, we have had many turbulent periods but because we can communicate well we've made it though some pretty dramatic stuff. I consider our OOC close friendship completely real, but our IC relationship completely fiction.
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Alora
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Re: SL Relationships real? fake?

Postby Alora » Tue Mar 08, 2011 8:15 pm

Just wanted to add, I am completely aware my ex specifically went into sl to look for a relationship to make ending the one he had with me easier, I pretty much knew it before it happened, I just didn't want to admit it.
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Aseptimus
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Re: SL Relationships real? fake?

Postby Aseptimus » Tue Mar 08, 2011 9:00 pm

I would add that deception in who you are is as prevalent in physical real life relationships as it is in distance or virtual ones.
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serene mistwood
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Re: SL Relationships real? fake?

Postby serene mistwood » Tue Mar 08, 2011 10:28 pm

In my experience, and those close to me that have told me theirs, I have learnt that most SL relationships initially are fake to a lesser or greater degree. Fake pictures, exaggerations on income and job, marital and relationship statuses, declaring love after a week, height and weight and age, etc etc etc. Fantasy within fantasy, roleplay within roleplay, or just basic self protection.

The man sending you fake pictures is no worse than the woman sneaking out to phone her SL partner while her RL partner is asleep or out with friends. Both are grounded in dishonesty whether its to your SL partner or your RL partner. I think the real relationships here in SL come with time and patience. Over the weeks and months we open up more, feel more trusting and get to a point where you have to be totally honest if you really want something to work - the other person can either understand and accept your reasons for being dishonest, and that might be just as simple as .. "well, I didnt really expect it to go this far", or they simply cannot. Thats their perogative. Though I personally dont think anyone is black and white here, just various shades of grey.

I have had what I would call two SL relationships that were very real in my RL, at least where feelings were concerned. Both began dishonestly in some form or another on both sides. Not everyone can understand or forgive or accept it when that person eventually tells the truth - though I wouldnt advise leaving it til you step off the plane to meet someone as Carter described.. thats just crazy. :o As soon as you feel the relationship is having real implications in peoples lives.. its time to fess up !!

Also, just a point from the OP's main ops thread. Some of us lie about our jobs, because our name and occupation could give you the location of our work with a quick google. I actually dumb down what I do for a living :o.O: and respond with something I study part time. Fake doesnt always necessarily mean worse. I have a friend here that doesnt tell anyone she has two young children for obvious reasons. She asked my advice should she tell her partner yet, after 1 month.. my advice was NO. If she feels still uncomfortable enough to have to ask advice, then the truth can wait as far as I am concerned.
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Anarch Allegiere
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Re: SL Relationships real? fake?

Postby Anarch Allegiere » Wed Mar 09, 2011 8:39 am

I do not expect anything from my SL relationships... I'm simply not interested in that kind of a commitment to any woman... Some say I say that just because I'm young, but I don't think so. I like to make friends online, who I am in RL doesn't matter much or is stuff I don't really like to share at any point. I've always been conservative like that... I've declined women that wanted to skype or webcam for me even if I wouldn't have to say or show myself... but I refused because it's simply not something I'm looking for or expected to find when I decided to start RPing in SL Gor. It is because I put alot weight in RP I guess and I don't like to break the barrier.

Maybe that is a side of me that needs convincing after a long time... but I've been a voluntary bachelor for a few years now and I hardly feel like I miss anything. My 'online' relationships are 'online' ... I don't or ever expected them to become anything beyond that and they mostly just grew out of RP... I'm a very dedicated RPer and everything around me evolves around RP and storylines, they've a strong priority over even OOC affections.

That said though, I did find someone extremely lovely that is devoted and fully faithful and loyal to me... (with which I'm rather intimate on an OOC level, skype, webcam ... whatever...) Maybe I'll go visit her some day when she isn't too busy sipping her cocktail in the sun on her luxurious lottery island. I consider her a very good friend and a ... partner online. The loner-instinct seems to be deep in my blood though...
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All Sunday
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Re: SL Relationships real? fake?

Postby All Sunday » Wed Mar 09, 2011 10:24 am

Adam Zadeh wrote:I find myself experiencing things in SL that I don't feel in RL. I like the way it feels to walk into the room and have instant command and attention. I like the control I have over my girl...but lets put all that aside.

For me at least I believe that our true personalities come out, or at least parts of it that may be hidden from even ourselves. The mousy housewife becomes the sexual slut, the shy accountant the warrior. It's a cliche yea, but you spend enough time in your charaters skin and before you know it the mousy wife starts to demand more satisfaction for herself in bed, the shy guy becomes a stronger man and gets the courage to ask for that raise.

Try as we might, we can only RP for so long before the real person starts to come out in the avatar. So is it possible to have a romantic feeling for that special someone. Yes, it is. That does not mean that if and when you met in RL that you will fall madly in love, but your getting to know the real person on SL.


Slightly offtopic... I know my real personality shows up so I don't try that hard to do anything absurd. I pretend my character likes cheese, I hate cheese but hey... that's not so hard to handle. Playing the kajira I would have a hard time at... I don't like being told what to do and will usually do the exact opposite... and while that might fun to RP after a while my kajira would end up dead.

It's also true the opposite Adam... I found myself getting more fashion conscious in RL because of all the fashion stuff I did once in SL. I will get Alecks a nice coat and then see one similiar in RL and buy it... cool? My ass! When I get my credit card bill I know who I want to kill. :banghead:
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Kaitlin
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Re: SL Relationships real? fake?

Postby Kaitlin » Wed Mar 09, 2011 10:43 am

Tit wrote:
So what sort of relationships do you have with your RP partner, SL partner or other..?


Its a complete mix for me. Most of my relationships in SL tend to be about RP only. I maintain a very hard line between IC and superficial OOC (brb, lgr, storyline talk) and true OOC because for me as others have stated once we are talking OOC its the real me...not a character. That includes the toddler emergency breaks, clients phoning and opening the door for the delivery guy since I hate to cook. I can count the number of people on one hand who even know my first name or have heard my voice after several years on SL.

Despite that I have always had online relationships of depth even back to the IRC days. I've had two amazing love affairs and my current relationship started in SL and has miraculously lasted 2 years. We are now exploring the next phase after meeting and realizing...HEY THIS IS REAL. Relationships in SL(online) can be just as real and powerful and exciting as any relationship formed in RL and perhaps they are deeper. Once you spend hours talking to someone you learn more than you might after months of dating. If they open up you tend to see the real person that they want to be and not all the faults that may cause them not to be that person. There is some truth to them being "bigger than life". SL(online) relationships are more work but no different than any other relationship. Honesty and time spent interacting become crucial.

Aseptimus wrote:

I would add that deception in who you are is as prevalent in physical real life relationships as it is in distance or virtual ones.


:clap:

I think its important to remember that more than half of all relationships fail or linger on in unhappy limbo. Why would SL be any different? In RL people are dishonest about themselves and their motives and even the most rigorous due diligence may be useless.
Some people create their own storms, then get upset when it rains.

Once upon a time... Kait

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