Cheating - Do you want to know and when?

[Bara Mayako]

The thread on genderbending and the thread on ERP brings up for me another issue.

Something that makes me uncomfortable with the person I'm roleplaying with, is when I find out that they are married and especially when I get the impression (or am told) that they are doing the dirty secretly; that their wife does not know or does not approve.

All the issues that come up with the genderbenders comes up for me when I think about this. The idea that I may be "the other woman", even virtually, makes me feel like somehow I'm doing something wrong. Even when the person tells me "my wife knows", can I believe it?

So I don't want to know. If I find out, it does change the way I look at my ERP partner, and how I interact with him.

How do others feel about this?

[Mynerva]

Not my business what other players do in their real lives. That is for them to worry about.

I role play with characters I encounter in the game...how others incorporate that in their real lives and how their SO sees that - I really don't care, I don't want to know, it is simply not my business.

[Anarch Allegiere]

I've a hard time understanding how sending off packets of bits into 'cyberspace' can ever be considered cheating. My first thought would be that those who consider ERP cheating need to become more secure about themselves and their relationship.

That said... I think there's not a small amount of women in SL Gor who go around having sexual roleplay behind their OOC partner's backs. I've had sex with the daughter of a fellow Red Caste, on the day before her companionship... well I didn't remain silent about what happened so the companionship didn't go through.
Of all the things that followed it became pretty clear that it was an OOC relationship between the two involved, and eventually I got accused of raping her (obviously made up by the daughter)... but the "father" and "intended" both didn't dare to engage me in combat knowing I was the superbow of the sim.

Then I've had countless amounts of captives over the years with limits as either:
- No sexual roleplay or;
- Will fade to black sex RP...
who still roleplayed the sexy stuff after me probably having turned them on with my teasing, usually followed with an angry owner or companion showing up on the sim a while later throwing an OOC tantrum trying to down me on the meter while their own is set on OOC/AFK and declaring that this whole sim is ungorean/disney and will be RP banned and reported to the "gorean council".

And then I wonder why some men and sims are so eager to RP ban me.

[Kaitlin]

The idea that I may be "the other woman", even virtually, makes me feel like somehow I'm doing something wrong. Even when the person tells me "my wife knows", can I believe it?

So I don't want to know. If I find out, it does change the way I look at my ERP partner, and how I interact with him.

How do others feel about this?

Interesting OP.

I'd have to answer this in the same way I answered the genderbending topic. If it is just IC only RP then I really don't care to know much about RL relationship status. I'm not likely to reciprocate with that type of information and it only serves to interfere with immersive RP.

It is a different story when it comes to ownership since the line between IC & OOC (and now RL) is non existent with my primary RP partner and over time when you spend that much time with a person it is a form of cheating if that extends to RL sharing. When emotions are involved it doesn't matter that it is virtual and it can have the same effect on a relationship. That said, I believe each person has to take responsibility for their own RL so the concept of the "other woman" or "other man" has always struck me as a bit odd and it isn't something that I ever actively avoided.

It isn't a secret that my partner in SL is also my BF and we both still RP in gor including ERP with other characters. Where we both draw the line is in establishing any commitments with other players that leads into crossing that OOC line. It is up to each of us to manage that rather than the usual jealousy filled drama I have seen in my time in gor. It is sometimes an interesting and challenging line to walk but I don't consider it cheating if he engages in ERP.

[Tamar Luminos]

I don't want to be the cause of/involved in ANY OOC drama, so if someone I'm interacting with in SL should divulge any info that leads me to believe that interacting with them will create/contribute to such, I will politely back away and remove myself from the situation. I just don't want to go there.

Do I think ERP is cheating? Not in and of itself, no. But hiding it/lying to your significant other about it- yeah, that I'm not cool with and don't want to be a part of.

So do I want to know? Yeah, I do, so I can avoid the above mentioned situations, and as far as 'when' I'd want to know before the ERP happens, obviously, so I would be able to disengage and not be a part of it.

[beth ronmark]

I recently got engaged in RL. Truthfully, since we started dating, even though it's just RP sex, it didn't feel comfortable to do. Add that to the fact that to me, it got plain boring, I tend to just fade-to-black on the sex.

As for the OP, I get what you are saying. I felt that way myself, especially when you know bits of information about your rp partners real life. It is a matter of each their own, but yup, I've felt a bit guilty myself, not that I'm insecure in my own relationship, but more because this SL, can destroy RL relationships. I've seen it happen. Their SL love becomes more of a need, RL sex dwindles, so does the relationship. Not saying it's because of SL, it's not. There were other things wrong to begin with, but that doesn't discount maybe the wife/husband in the RL getting jealous.

[Blackwolf]

Just a quick rule of thumb I go by. As long as you're not doing anything in world you would not share with your real life partner playing in Gor is ok. If you feel the need to hide what you do from them it is likely an indicator of a bigger issue and online games are probably the least of your concerns.

[Aphris]

usually followed with an angry owner or companion showing up on the sim a while later throwing an OOC tantrum trying to down me on the meter while their own is set on OOC/AFK and declaring that this whole sim is ungorean/disney and will be RP banned and reported to the "gorean council".

And then I wonder why some men and sims are so eager to RP ban me.

I have many such like experiences, however not on the sexual area.I role play harsh against slaves. And regular when I did that an angry master came in IM that I abused his girl (pulled hair, or kicked leg) and that he would collar me next time. My answer is always that he must do that when he wants become the laugthing stock of his friends.
Conclusion is that like you I notice that Master-slave relations are very often OOC and that they can't hide that well IC.

[Auron Gravus]

There is actually two types of cheating to me. And some people dislike both, others only consider one cheating and others the other one. They are emotional infidelity and physical infidelity. Emotional infidelity is way worse to me, though many people feel that physical infidelity is worse.

For me, I'd rather not know at all but if I am told then I would not continue with the SL fling or RP fling.

[Glaucon]

I'd say that, effectively, online ERP with people that aren't your real life partner without disclosing it to your RL partner and getting a clear green light tends to be a kind of cheating, because most folks doing the ERP feel at least something. Depending on the person, it can 'feel' quite real. Of course, you might say it is more like reading a porn story. Technically, it is, but I think many partners would not consider it to be the same thing. And it isn't, emotionally, for most people. Sure, one could say "I did not have sex with that woman." But really... the cigar had. Or the mouse and keyboard had, I mean.

So, cheating... sure. Do I care one bit about other people cheating? Not at all. It's the interwebs, and a game on the interwebs that says 'be what you want to be'. I am not interested in people's RL situations. I don't know about them, I can't know the truth about them, I don't need to know about them and I certainly am not interested in judging them. It is not my place to police them.

Well... sure, if someone convinced me they were about to conduct a murder in RL, I might start worrying. But them cheating? Too bad for their partners, but... that really falls outside the sphere of things for which I might share some responsibility or complicity. Not my business, not my headache.