Posted for his girl Mily
I have tried over and over to find the words for this. I have found beautiful poetry that seemed to have an idea, but no where could I find somewhere that spoke of my Master -- What he meant to me -- and what these last two weeks have so clearly shown me about what he meant to others -- "His dancers" as He called them, His friends, and I think I can say many other people whose lives he touched due to His dance writings. And if you look around now -- every single person present is here because of the way he touched us all through his dance reviews, directly or indirectly.
I have on my profile a part of a song by Regina Spektor titled, "The Call." I found it worked for explaining my feelings as they slowly changed from intense admiration for this wonderful Man - the dance critic - to the man that made my stomach burn and flare and to whom my entire body responded to - even when He simply logged online. I played it the other day shortly after I had been told that yet another girl no longer felt like she wanted to dance now that my Master was no longer here. As it got to the end of the song I heard these lyrics:
"Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye."
To all of you who wonder what is to become of dancing, please remember two things. If you stop dancing, you will go against all that Master wished for, all He stood for... plus you would be disobeying his last order: "kajira dance on - I will be watching."
And just like those lyrics... we are now back at the beginning, but we can find it inside us to seek the memories and let them grow stronger and stronger and then He WILL come back. He will be in your head... and heart... in your memories.. and there will be no need to say goodbye.
For myself... I have tried so hard to write something that makes any sense to explain what He means to me... to explain how fucking amazingly bloody lucky i was that he wanted me as His. That feeling of amazement has never stopped... and has never left me. But when I have to put it into words, I just get stuck. All I can hear is Him saying "milymilymily" So instead, I am going to share two pieces of writings with you all. My email to Master's son in reply to the devastating news that He had passed.... plus his response to me.
Dear (his name)
Firstly my condolences on the loss of your father.
I do not know if he told you much of his online life, but i was a part of it. Tonight, on receiving the message that he had "thrown his mortal coils" as you said -- more than 30 people arrived to show their respect for your father. In the online world i was His girl... Online, he was - and is my love... the most amazing man I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.
I was petrified I would not know when he had passed, so I am so grateful you took the time to send me the messages. I can't thank you enough. I have spent the last 2 weeks in a state of permanently wondering how he was.
I have some pictures of his dog - he was so proud of her. He had really taken to her the first time he met her - it was clear when he discussed what one to take when he said "he felt something for her." The day he had taken her home he was so happy, so delighted.
Please know that your father was dearly loved by many more than those he met in the flesh. For me, he was a shining, amazing star i shall never forget and will always be eternally grateful I was allowed to know... to love... and be with... in the way I was.
Thank you and God bless.
Sam's girl in the online world...
He replied a couple of days later:
My father loved life and loved women, in the flesh and otherwise, I am not surprised to see. Nor does it surprise me to know that he commanded the same kind of respect and charisma online that he did in his day to day life. My thanks for your kind words. I am happy to know that his life was even richer than I knew. I am grateful to you for telling me. I wish you all the very best. Please keep his memory dear and celebrate him with the rest of your days, as will I.
I think there is a message in that for us all.
To end this I want to share a few things I love about Master
His belly laughs
His Cognacs ( I think I owe him a case from my many questions - thats before I became His please let us not consider the amount that He may have drunk after due to my... errr chatter)
His passion for dance He said - before he collared me- I would always come second to dance.. I never once felt like I was second we were united in a joint passion and I felt closer to Him because of it.
His soap box..
How He would think things through never could be rushed (did NOT like that when it took 3 weeks from Him offering a price to buy me and before He finally placed His collar round my neck)
I loved when He started to speak German too even though it usually meant He was blinking angry (or sometimes if i was very lucky that he was something in quite a different end of the mood swings) but even when i would be unhappily listening to Him rant about what i had deserved the rant for when He began to add in german words I would smile despite myself.
I loved his zest for life.
How He always felt He knew best (ok I admit it You did always know best)
How He loved "His dancers" He would delight in them (and how you all loved Him in return)
How you kept me in pink calling me Your cotton candy
I love love love You collared me my Master.
and my Master I love how you made me feel when ever I am with You. I will always feel surrounded by you all I have to do is close my eyes and listen closely and there You are..
Thank You for collaring me and showing me ...
[15:58] Mily Sandalwood: we were good together my love my Master
[15:58] Samos Madrigal: we were quite simply a perfect union of will and submission.
I am not going to say goodbye I will just say until I come and find You on that bench my Master. (and yes I will remember the case of Cognac)
I found my true Master.
Don't raise your voice, Improve your Argument.